It has been a while since I wrote in here, and I have no intentions of coming up with a pathetic excuse as to why I could not find time, or words, to write down what I thought. It’s not because I did not have anything in mind; clearly, that would be a lie. It goes without saying that 6 months is a long time to not have any thoughts. But, if I were to give a reason, the hiatus in my writing can be attributed to my fear of judgment.
Yes, I know — and preach — that we should do what feels right to us… and follow our hearts… [insert other cliched quotes]. But, I presume even the bravest and smartest risk-takers doubt themselves and succumb to the fear of judgment. We are bold, strong and not afraid to take risks, but we are also human with the need for approval from our parents, peers, society, even when we do not own up to it . Even rebels (unintentionally) sought validation of their rebellious ways — they too have the need to act in ways that match the expectations (or lack thereof) of society.
So, what exactly do I fear? Many things. Spiders, to begin with, but also not living up to expectations. I am afraid my writing is not good enough for a blog; I am afraid to be made fun of. I am afraid if I take risks, I will lose everything — most importantly, lose face. I am hinting at some internal battles, but that’s too private for this post. Instead, I want to tell you how I wish to overcome my fear of judgment.
What I keep telling myself is that life is short. I know it’s the cliche of the millennium, but the impermanence of life really motivates you to not give a s*** about things that do not matter. I wrote a blog about how fear of death gets you to live, but I also want to clarify that the constant fear of death is not a good thing. You can pretty much spiral downward by re-examining the purpose of life, and thinking of where you are supposed to be, and where you want to go, and yada yada yada; and before you know it you are unhappy, miserable, and extremely frustrated. That’s not the point of fearing death. You fear death so that you can act today instead of tomorrow, not so that you can numb yourself and sink into oblivion.
Back to my point. What I’m trying to say is that fearing judgment by others seems pointless when you could instead spend that energy on building yourself up. I want to use an example to explain what I mean (story time!). Think of someone who does as he is told. Obedient, loyal, kind, and all-in-all lives by the norm. But he is unhappy. He does what he is told because he wants to be praised; he wants his parents to be proud, his friends to like him, and for society to call him ‘good’. But he is unhappy. Is it really worth the effort? Does it make sense to invest your life doing things to please others, when you could instead be doing things to please yourself? If you are happy pleasing others then by all means, you do you! But what if you are not. What if it frustrates you, but you keep doing it because that is the right thing to do? Is that way of living worth anything? You get one chance at life, and instead of experimenting with it, you choose to spend it differently than what you may have wanted. That, to me, is pointless. But then again, that’s my opinion on life. We all have our own perspective on how to construct our narrative. This is the spiral I was talking about. Before I start spiralling any further, I will leave this to your thoughts. Something to think about!