The year is almost coming to an end and I must admit I am looking forward to the new year. A new year — a new beginning; new opportunities; new resolutions. I realize the ‘beginning’ I eagerly wait for is merely in my head. Come January 1st 2017 there will be no new beginning. As in, there will be no changes to how or what I eat, drink, sleep; no changes to who I talk to, meet, work with; no changes to where I live, where I work — simply, no changes to any major aspect of my lifestyle. But, I will mark the 1st day of the new year as the day I undergo metamorphosis… for the 20-something-th time. I will vow to change my habits — minimal as they may seem to you — to better myself. I will join million others to make resolutions for the new year. But maybe this year I will actually stick to them. (Who am I kidding, right?)
Regardless of if I will stick to my resolutions, I am ready to move on to other, better things in 2017. Why am I so ready for 2017 you may ask. Reason: 2016 is the year I experienced hurtful rejection for the first time in my life. I don’t mean to sound like an over-achiever who has always got what was wanted. What I mean to say is that when I am surely and truly certain about something, I work hard for it and eventually achieve it. So when I was rejected by something I deeply cared about and wanted in my life, I was devastated. Especially because it was over something I had no control. I felt helpless. I doubted myself day in and day out for at least 2 months. To quote Jon Bellion’s hit, I was at an ‘all time low’. I showed a side of myself I haven’t confronted before. And to make things worse, I was not the only one who saw this horrific side. To say the least I was embarrassed not only of being rejected but also of the immature way I acted following rejection. I felt lonely as I did not think anyone else would understand what I was going through. No matter how many times I tried to communicate what I felt, I was told that I am better off the way I am. I knew that already. I knew that if I was a third person looking at my situation I would have probably said the same things. But I could not just snap out of it, no matter how much I tried to. So I let myself feel the pain, and I paid the price of being viewed as pathetic.
Four months later I can say I do not feel the pain of rejection as much, but my pain level is not yet at zero. I am working on it and will continue to work on it. This is why I need the new year to start. So that I can leave the embarrassment, pain, hurt in the past and move on to become better. Hey — what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, am I right?
I believed busying myself with task after task was the best way to combat the hurt, and I was right on many levels. One of these levels being I had no time to think about what “the experience”. Another being I did not have time to worry about what I thought others felt about my situation. Yet another being I was working towards a goal that kept me moving forward.
The year 2016 was not hopeless altogether. I learnt a lot about myself. I experienced new things, tried new things that I did not think I would like. It was a year of experience, and in a way experience is a means of achievement. And 2016 is the year I started blogging — something I brushed off for a long time because I am a poor writer. So, I am grateful for the ups and mostly downs of the year because it made me who I am at this very moment.
Everyone’s ‘all time low’ (you can see that I am loving this term) is different than the other’s. Leave out the individualistic differences, heck there are temporal differences within the same individual on what is considered an ‘all time low’. I am an example of the latter. At one point in my life I was extremely (financially) broke and wished I rather be romantically heartbroken, which I thought was typical for someone my age to go through. Needless to say, when I was heartbroken years later, I wished I rather be broke. This goes to show how difficult it is to relate to someone who is going through a situation you think is similar to yours, because fact of the matter of is we experience life — all its highs and lows — in our own unique way.
So, if I am to reflect on my experience, which you may think is insignificant, I will say these words to whoever is going through a phase of rejection or ‘all time low’,
You are strong. When you question your ability to move forward, remember that you are your biggest inspiration. You have done substantial things in the past; you can get through this. You are going to work really hard and you will do great things in the future. In no time this hardship you are experiencing right now will seem insignificant. Because you are strong.
I have repeated these words (or rather the essence of it) to myself almost everyday of the past few months. It is almost like having a conversation with yourself, trying to persuade yourself to believe in yourself. It will undoubtedly take time; but I am certain I will move forward to a point– sooner than later, hopefully! — when this situation seems insignificant. Until then, I will….
Keep an open mind. Accept everything with a grain of salt, [even this post]